When one is an aspiring writer, one tends to know deep within the recesses of his soul that he’s total shit. So how do you mask this from others and, most importantly, yourself? With the seriousness and bombast of a typewriter. In Bushwick, where the latest piece of shit novel is being churned out by multiple authorial hopefuls on a daily basis, it’s no wonder that an upturn in typewriter sales has been steadily occurring over the past six months.
Being that there are only three typewriter shops in the area, What’s Write Is Wrong, Death to Quill Pens and Prehistoric Computers, the remarkable spike in the number of machines flying off the shelves has actually caused a shortage in supply. While some find this to be an absolute travesty, others are ecstatic–specifically shitty writers who don’t want to compete with other shitty writers. The shitty scribes with typewriters now automatically have a leg up over the ones that don’t. Brett Bushleague, a 26-year-old with a typewriter who lives in the Tea Factory Lofts, boasted to The Burning Bush, “I’ve mailed out fifty-six typewritten query letters out to literary agents in the last month. The hard-on they’re all going to get from seeing that Courier New font is going to give me an automatic edge over any other asshole who sent a standard e-mail.”
We also got a chance to talk to a typewriterless writer named Geneva Makbukproh, who whined, “It’s not fair. My writing is better than any of these typewriter-carrying novices. But because they have one, it gives them more legitimacy in the eyes of publishers. It makes me want to quit writing altogether and just become an entrepreneur. I hear DeWayne Shyboi is looking for someone to help him take over Fattel.” Tragically, many computer-using writers aren’t getting the credit they deserve for work that’s somewhat readable just because they don’t have the right equipment. So until the next shipment comes in to the aforementioned stores, try to avoid the morose faces of these iPad/laptop typists in various cafes.
Written by Genna Rivieccio