New York, already a city where being in public all the time is the norm, becomes especially so in the summer, a season when being on the move is the best way to capitalize on free air conditioning in addition to free events. With this in mind, the consumption of Variety’s coffee, which you might not even be lucky enough to finagle when the joint is at its peak packedness, can be very dangerous.
Known for awakening even the most dormant of bowels in a five-minute span, Variety’s coffee should never be poured into your gullet when you’re anticipating being on the go throughout the day. The results will be even worse than walking around with an enema kit stuck up your arse (something Marilyn Monroe’s ghost knows all about).
“I took one sip after managing to secure a seat at one of the communal tables and I immediately had to get back up again to use their bathroom,” admitted Stacy Lash, a lash curling specialist at Local Honey. Evidence of many other patrons having the same issue is constantly present in said bathroom, where shit resin in the toilette and a never-dissipating odor that can only come from a butt crack are mere constants. And while it’s one thing to take the risk in drinking Variety coffee while near the establishment’s bathroom, it’s another animal altogether to get your fix to go.
Written by Genna Rivieccio