Maybe it’s never happened to you before. Maybe you’ve been blessed to walk among streets untarnished by the backsides of man’s best friend. But, rest assured, it will happen to you before winter’s end. You will be the victim of “canine drift,” an olfactory phenomenon that causes nasal passages to split in half if caught by total surprise.
Ever since the domesticity problem arose in this neighborhood, the dog population has skyrocketed markedly. Every couple that’s any couple needs a dog–and that’s all well and good until an innocent bystander’s nose is affected, particularly while walking through the winter air. The Burning Bush had a chance to speak with one-time scientist Harold Quack, a 59-year-old who claims to have gotten the first Master’s Degree from DeVry University. Quack stated that the intensity of the smell of dog shit is due to “the purity of the air when it gets to this level of freezingness. That’s why a pungent odor like excrement can so readily cut through it.”
And cut through it it did this evening at approximately 9:59 p.m. when local Hops & Hocks cashier Franklin Basset was trying to make his way back to his apartment on Johnson Avenue without incident, only to encounter a deviant beagle in the midst of dropping a mammoth-sized shit onto the snow. Basset was overtaken by the scent and rendered momentarily unconscious, long enough for him to pass out on the snow and contract frost bite. While the breed of the offender is known, no one is certain of the beagle’s name–thus, be on the look out for those of his (or her) kind, lest you become the next victim.
Written by Genna Rivieccio