Martina Quinta was enjoying her dinner at Arepera Guacuco last Thursday when she casually scooted her chair back and felt a strange substance lying beneath the seat. Nothing could prepare her for what was to come next. Ms. Quinta then looked at her hand to discover what appeared to be human fecal matter. Feeling violated and confused, she immediately explained the situation to the manager on duty. “Oh, man. Again? That’s the third time this month,” Quinta recalled the manager saying. While she was happy to receive a discount on her meal as a result of the incident, Martina Quinta says that nothing will ever truly make up for the pain and embarrassment she experienced that day. “I’m scarred for life,” said Quinta. “I just hope they find the sick bastard who did this, lock ’em up and throw away the key.” Police believe this hooliganism to be the work of a person they like to call the Shitty Bandit, an unidentified suspect who smeared shit underneath chairs at 983-Bushwick’s Living Room and Montana’s this past July. The NYPD is currently awaiting DNA test results to confirm the connection between the crimes. So, who is the Shitty Bandit? We, at The Burning Bush, have compiled our very own list of suspects.
FORMER NYC MAYOR, MICHAEL BLOOMBERG
The man drinks his beer on the rocks, what isn’t he capable of? Additionally, he now has a lot more time on his hands… time that we suspect may have been used to commit heinous crimes against hipsters in Bushwick.
For someone who we imagine can’t possibly have too tight of a grip on their bowels as well as morals, this one seems pretty obvious.
VICE MEDIA PRESIDENT, ANDREW CREIGHTON
Motive, you ask? A juicy new whodunnit for Vice Magazine to feed it’s gullible, ingenuous audience. Go ahead and bite the hand that feeds you, because it probably tastes like shit.
Perhaps the behavior exhibited is the result of some form of a freudian daddy-related issue. In this case, the suspect in question can’t reasonably be ruled out.
Ire spawned from the wrath and ridicule emitted from an unwelcoming new community could certainly be enough to drive one to smear their shit all over their neighborhood, right? We think so.
Shitty Bandit, we know you’re out there… it’s just a matter of time before we sniff you out.
Written by Nicole Benson