Now that summer has finally decided to make itself known (much to the vampires of Bushwick’s dismay), there’s no denying you’ll be headed to Rockaway to escape the hellish heat and stench of trash, piss, etc. pervading the streets. In the past, you may have been hesitant to go to the beach due to the Third World lack of internet access. But at last, all of your fears will finally be assuaged.
Parks Commissioner Notleslie Knope announced to NYC residents, “Internet should be a part of your first amendment rights. And as such, I have put all other Hurricane Sandy recovery plans on hold in order to bring you unfettered wi-fi.” Many Bushwick residents were pleased with this news, relieved that they would still be able to post selfies and update statuses in real time instead of having to wait to post them until after their beach day is over.
Hortense Fiberoptic, a resident off the Morgan stop, observed, “This means I can capture every single moment of my beach day and also look things up on Wikipedia as they occur to me–like does peeing on someone only cure a jellyfish sting or also hypothermia?” An older non-millennial named Rhoda Moore decried, “These kids and their new-fangled internet. I just don’t know what this city is coming to.”
This summer, the beach is expected to be more crowded than a Midtown Starbucks at 7am. In fact, most people will probably prefer the quality of Rockaway’s internet to Starbucks’.
Written by Genna Rivieccio