Woodhull Sees Spike in New Patients Due to Crucifixion Trend

September 11, 2014 4 906 News
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Where once guillotine suicides were the way for a cutting edge Bushwickian to show off, the trend has now shifted toward an even more antiquated practice: Crucifixion. Maybe it has to do with the average combined ego and self-imposed martyrdom the typical resident possesses that has caused this bizarre new fad. Whatever the reason, most of these crucifixions have been going horribly awry as no one outside of biblical times knows how to really prop a bitch up on the cross. The ramification? More patients at Woodhull, which is never a good thing in terms of getting even a modicum of service from the hospital workers there.

Most Bushwickians use their bed posts or other discarded wood pieces to attempt crucifixion

Most Bushwickians use their bed posts or other discarded wood pieces to attempt crucifixion

Jesus Cristo, the latest Bushwickian to experience a crucifixion gone wrong, bemoaned from his bloody hospital bed, “I wish my friends would have left me to die the slow death I was going through before this. It would have been a lot less painless. Between the lack of food and the lack of clean sheets, I’m going to die of starvation and the bubonic plague anyway.”

Jesus Cristo pre-crucifixion

Jesus Cristo pre-crucifixion

The rash of faulty crucifixions have been largely unsuccessful because most Bushwickians are too young to understand that you have to nail the feet too. With rampant rumors of what it’s like to receive treatment at Woodhull post-crucifixion, we’re pretty sure the trend is going to die down as quickly as it was resurrected. 

Written by Genna Rivieccio

 

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